Give it time.

It's no secret that this time of year is difficult for those of us working on losing weight. Log onto MFP and you see just how many people are struggling. Temptation is everywhere. You can't walk into a store without seeing the well designed displays of chocolates and goodies calling your name.  Commercials are more teasing than usual. Everyone is baking and passing around joy in the shape of a cookie. There is an abundance of parties (and corresponding treats for said parties). People are sharing their meal and dessert plans on facebook and anywhere else they can post it. A girl (or boy) can't leave her house, watch TV, or look online without seeing food. It's everywhere this time of year. Especially the sweets. Oh, those freakin sweets!

It can be a rough time for anyone. Throw in the desire to lose weight (not put it back on), a HUGE sweet tooth, and a former eating disorder... it can almost drive a girl crazy. I had a dream last night that I was stuffing my face with cookies, cakes, cinnamon rolls, and chocolate covered nuts. I couldn't stop (I didn't want to). All of the things I've said "no" to this week were haunting me in my dreams! I woke up craving those items like you wouldn't believe. I was ready to drive to the nearest cinnabun and get the biggest one I could find. I was already preparing myself for my next failure and the day had just started. But instead, I did as I always do, I went to the gym. (Thank goodness it has become a habit.. because I was struggling with it today). When I got there, I was still thinking about what I was going to shove down my throat today. I was convinced that I was going to fall off the wagon today. I was starting to obsess over it. The thing is, once I started running, the obsession went away. I began to think more clearly. Each lap that I ran, the more in control I was feeling. "You'll hate yourself if you go along with it."  My voice of reason was coming out as I ran. "Saturday is treat day.. you can have ONE of those things.. and you can wait until then to get it." So much so, that I decided to push myself further and run more than usual. I ran for 35 minutes straight. Afterwards, I felt empowered. I didn't need those stinking treats anymore.. I didn't want them. I didn't want the way they were going to make me feel afterwards. I finished the rest of my workout and went home. I ate exactly what I planned out for the day. I feel so pleased that I didn't let that moment of weakness take me down with it. This is what happened around Thanksgiving and it made me feel so sick with myself afterwards. The difference this time? I didn't run out of my way to get that fix. I stuck with my plan. I kept telling myself "wait." Until eventually my reason and self control came back. So if you're battling with your own demon this week, give yourself time to fight back. Find something to take your mind off of it until you have the strength to say no. Heck, go workout! Worked for me.
I know this hasn't fixed my problem permanently, there are still many days before Christmas and many more temptations to avoid. But I made it past this one. One thing at a time. One little step/one little victory at a time.
Good luck!
A little inspiration:

All Caught Up

I've been MIA for a little while. I needed some time away from the computer so I could focus on catching up with everything. There was lots of baking, parties, shopping, and wrapping needing to be done (and that dreaded trip to the Post Office). Not to mention all of the other typical things that need to be done daily. The list kept growing and I wasn't marking stuff off as fast as I would have liked. So my little break allowed me to get on top of things. I'm officially done with my Christmas shopping, cards, and baking. I have sent off everything. It's such a huge relief. I'm usually the person that likes to get things done early, so still having things I needed to do a week before Christmas was driving me nuts.
I've had a few small victories this last week:
* I've still managed to stick to my usual gym routine. I've been making my way to the gym each day and doing my thing. I could have easily talked myself out of it saying, "I'm too busy" but decided to make it a priority and treated it like a daily appointment that I could 't miss. It's a bit empowering.
* During my Christmas baking frenzy, I only ate ONE cookie! (snickerdoodle if you're wondering). It was definitely tempting but I decided before I started baking what one goodie I wanted and then I stuck to it! It helps having my husband home. It gives me the accountability I need in those super tempting times.
*I made lighter/healthier versions of all of my goodies. I felt better giving them to others knowing that they were healthier versions.
*I didn't let the plethora of parties and gatherings we've been to or had this week allow me to make bad food choices over and over. I save up calories and enjoy myself within reason.
* I received my first goodies package in the mail yesterday. It was full of sweets (cookies, chocolates, and other candies and sweets). I haven't gotten into it yet! I'm waiting for treat day this Saturday to sample a few.  Yesterday was hard, I kept looking at them and wanting to eat them all. But somehow I talked myself out of it and today I'm not really craving any of it.

I've still been sticking to Strong lifts 5x5. I'm not really seeing any results yet. But I have been able to increase my weights on everything. I'm moving up slower than I expected in weight but it's more important to me that I can do them all in proper form. As a beginner, it's taking me a bit longer.
I can now squat with 75lbs, bench with 35lbs, deadlift with 50lbs, overhead press with 40lbs, and barbells with 50lbs. I know this doesn't seem like much but it's more than I could do a month ago and I'm pleased with it. Small progress. Maybe when I increase my weights more I will start seeing progress.
I'm seeing changes really slowly on the scale. But I'm trying not to let that affect me. The scale is not the defining factor of my progress! (or so I keep trying to convince myself). It's not easy to get over a scale addiction, especially when I'm not seeing progress in other ways at the time being. But I'm not gaining, so that's good. A small  victory, even. Getting through all these temptations around this time of the year and not gaining is a great thing.  I think when the new year starts, I'll reevaluate and see if I need to make some more changes. But for now, I'm just going to get through Christmas and both of my kids' birthdays.

I'll end with two positive thoughts. My son has graduated from pull-ups to regular big boy underwear! It's an exciting time. My daughter was wonderful at their Christmas concert at school. I've got two awesome kiddos. :)

Initiate Happy Dance

Last night we went to a hockey game. The first one that we've been to in a long time. Our team won and everyone had a great time. I'm not sure if I had more fun watching the game or watching my kids watch the game. They were so into it. My daughter was dancing, clapping, and shouting the cheers. My son would have liked to see more fights (proven by his jeers to "FIGHT!") but couldn't stop watching. Not to mention, I was able to enjoy the whole night snuggled up with my hunny. #goodtimes

The hockey team wasn't the only victors last night. I had my own little victory as well. I didn't eat ANY food at the hockey game! Everyone around me was eating good stuff like hotdogs (kids), pretzels with cheese (mom and sis), or enjoying a beer (husband). I didn't get any for myself. Just sat there rooting for my team and enjoying some ice cold water with my favorite people. I had made a promise to myself (after my fall off the wagon last week) that I would not have any treat/cheat meals until I lost all the weight I put on and felt I had my self control back. So to be there surrounded by all that temptation and standing my ground was a big deal to me. I'm getting my control back! I was thinking reasonably and thinking about my health/progress instead of letting my stomach do the thinking. And my lack of yummies didn't make the night any less fun or special.
So when I woke up this morning, still riding my victory high, I decided that I would finally check my weight. I've been avoiding the scale since last Sunday when I saw a 10lb increase caused by my binge attack. I know that I didn't gain a real 10 pounds in those 4 days but hated that new number I was seeing. So, I've been eating well, exercising, and drinking plenty of water this week hoping to erase that number. It happened today! When I stepped on the scale this morning, not only was I back to my pre-binge weight, but I had a slight loss (only .2 but still very pleasing). Now I finally feel like I'm back on track. I keep saying I will stop letting the scale affect me so much but it's easier said than done.

I finished my first week of Stronglifts 5x5 this week. My muscles definitely got a good workout. I'm enjoying my rest day today. I still don't have any progress to report but just an update that I do like the program and will be sticking with it.

Enjoy your Sunday! :)

Vitamix, baby!

Yesterday was a pretty typical Friday. It was a good yet uneventful day. That was until we had an unexpected knock at the door that evening. It was the UPS man and he came bringing gifts. One of the packages I received wasn't wrapped and I was able to see what it was. A Vitamix Blender!!

(Swoons) Isn't it beautiful?!?! 

I quickly called my (very amazing) mother-in-law to let her know that it arrived. She decided since it wasn't wrapped and I knew what it was, that it'd be a good "family" gift that I could start using now instead of waiting until Christmas. SCORE! (This is when I began my happy dance). 

I've been wanting one of these bad boys for a long time now. So, she didn't have to tell me more than once that I could start using it now. 

After ripping open the box and carefully pulling out the newest addition to my kitchen, I began reading the instruction manual. (Ok, not the exciting part but I wasn't taken any chances of misusing it). After familiarizing myself with the machine and how it works, I quickly skimmed through the recipe book that came with it for a recipe that I had the ingredients for. My very first recipe using my Vitamix Blender was... (drum roll).... 

Orange Sorbet. Simple yet awesome. I served it for dessert. My 2 year old really loved it! And the machine worked better than I expected. I threw in peeled oranges (whole), honey, and lots of ice and it blended it together like a boss! So easy! Best part about my new favorite appliance (shhh.. don't tell my Stand Mixer) is that it cleans itself! Yep! Just rinse it out, fill it half way up with warm water, throw in a few drops of soap, and turn it on. It works as it's own dishwasher! Then you rinse it out one more time and let it dry! It took me all of 5 minutes to make orange sorbet and clean up. 

I spent the rest of my night after the kids were in bed, looking through the recipe book. So many things to try, so little time. I have come up with a list of a few must makes for the following week:

Hummus, Peanut Butter, Almond Milk, and Broccoli and Cheddar soup. 

The machine works so fast that it actually creates heat and can make quick soups! It can blend items down to make milk out of almonds or my own nut butters. I can make cold items like my own ice cream, shakes, smoothies, or sorbets. I can grind my own flours or knead doughs. The possibilities are just endless. And I plan on testing this thing out like crazy! It came with a large book of recipes and I see it as a personal challenge to try them all out. 

Today marks the start of the first weekend I get to spend with my husband in many months. We've got a relaxing and fun weekend planned. Some Christmas shopping, hockey game, COOKING, and putting up Christmas lights and decorations. Most importantly, the family just being together. :)

I hope that you all have as nice of a weekend. HAPPY DECEMBER!! 

*Be ready for my next gazillion posts to have something about a new food/drink/frozen item that my blender made me.*

A little bit of "YIKES!" "GRRR!" and "YAY!"

Let's start with the "YAY!"
The husband is home! Late on Monday night, my dear hubby returned. I can't even begin to describe how happy we are in this house. I felt all of that extra stress and frustration (that I didn't even realize I was carrying around) evaporate from my body. It's been AH-MAZING. :)
Last night, I needed to make a quick run to the store to grab one thing. I was able to go do that without the kids! Yes, I made a quick run to the store and it was actually quick. I didn't have to bundle the youngins' up (because it is freaking cold out there), get them buckled up in the car, take them out of the car, go inside, battle the "Mom, can we buy this?" or "MOM! Sissy hit me!" phrases over and over, and then go through it all over again as it was time to leave, get back in the car, and go home. Nope, I just walked in, grabbed what I needed, and left. I even jammed loudly to my music in the car (just because I could).
This morning, my daughter wasn't feeling good. So we kept her home from school. Guess what? I was still able to go to the gym! Yep, a sick child didn't mean I had to stay home! I could just go on and on about how great it is having him home... but that would force me to change the title of this blog to, "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!" And well, I have other things I'd like to write about.

I've been debating whether I wanted to write about this or not. And I decided that I need to. I need the accountability and the humility.
Thanksgiving did not go as planned! I was so determined to tackle the Holiday and be victorious and walk away with my head held high. When in fact, that planned failed before Thursday even came around. On Wednesday, the kids and I went with my mom to the SuperMall a few cities over. While there, we saw Johnny Rocket's. A yummy little burger, fries, and shakes place. I was very easily convinced that we could go there for lunch and it be okay. Well, that inner binge monster saw it's opportunity to come out to play. I ordered way too much (and was not holding back). I got the cheese on my fries, the bacon on my burger, and the worse possible milkshake to have when watching your calorie intake. After lunch, I calculated that I had just had about 3000 calories. That should have stopped me, right? My side of reasoning should have stepped up and turned my self control button back on. But no, I had fed the monster and it wanted more.
For those of you who don't know, I was a serious binge eater before I started MFP. There were times I would eat to the point where it made me sick and still want to eat more. I'd easily eat 5000+ calories a day. 
Well, that's where the "GRRR" comes into play. Before we left that mall, I also had some candy from the chocolate store, a pepperoni pretzel from Annie's Pretzels, some mini cupcakes, cookies, and any other samples and small snacks there. I went to bed that night feeling so sick to my stomach. I was so angry with myself.
"Well, at least your learned your lesson and got right back on track, Amanda!" you may say. Nope. I woke up that next morning and decided that I was gonna have pecan pie with my Thanksgiving mea. afterall. I went to the store (at 6 am) and grabbed a pie. A pie that I got into before Thanksgiving lunch was even ready. I then proceeded to have 2 helpings of way too much food for lunch. Then another piece of pie!
"It happens! You did better the next day, right?" you're thinking. Nope. I made terrible food choices both Friday and Saturday before I finally snapped myself out of it on Sunday. And I'm not going to go into detail the food choices I made those two days, because it's just disgusting the things I was allowing myself to eat and the amounts that I ate them. 
Couple that with 5 days of  missing the gym and you can imagine how icky I was feeling and looking. When I woke up Sunday morning, I stepped on the scale and saw a 10lb difference from the last time I stepped on it. "YIKES!" (Yes, I know it wasn't a real 10 pound gain... but I also know that I definitely gained some real weight with all of that water weight, too). Then the thought of my husband coming back home and all of my hard work finally gave me the strength to stop. I hopped right back on track. This week has been going just as well as all of those other weeks before last week happened.

So what in the heck happened? That was my first binge since I started MFP 4 1/2 months ago.. and it lasted 4 day days! Where did I go wrong?
Well, I've come up with a few answers.. a few lessons learned.
1. I broke the rules on Wed. when we went out to lunch. Saturday is my "treat day" in which I get to enjoy some of the unhealthier foods I enjoy in moderation and within certain calorie limits. Yes, I do go over on my calories that day but only if I earned enough calories during the week to still keep me within my weekly calorie goal. During the week, when I see things I want, I always think, "Wait until Saturday!" Then when Saturday comes around, I choose the thing I want most and enjoy my treat. I also find many of my cravings are gone by the end of the week.
2. I was very emotional/stressed last week planning for the husband's return and all of the other things happening at the same time. I have had emotional eating problems in the past and it has always been my #1 trigger for bingeing. I shouldn't have put myself in a position like that knowing how I was feeling. I let my guard down.
3. I let myself get discouraged by my failures. One mistake shouldn't lead to more.. but it did. "I screwed up yesterday, so what's the point?"  It took me a while to get out of this mindset.

I'm not having any treat days for a while.. until I lose back the weight I gained and things settle down a bit with all the excitement and readjustments we will have to make. I'm waiting until I feel confident in my self-control and judgment again.

But I'm not beating myself up over it anymore. There's no point. It's done and over. I've learned from it. I'm back on track this week, back at the gym, and enjoying my family being whole again.

I've almost completed my first full week of Stronglifts 5x5... and I like it. I've taken some before pics and while it's too soon for any progress pics, it goes something like this...

Bad Days Happen

Man! It's just been one of those days. You know those days when you wake up and can't seem to do anything right all day long? Yep. That kind of day. The kind of day where you ruin the new recipe you've been dying to make for lunch and have to come up with a quick back up plan. The type of day where you start off running late and can't seem to catch up.  The type of day where you either drop or break everything you touch! Now, I'm not one to usually get stressed out over the small things and can deal pretty well with daily hiccups.. but today was just kicking me in the butt. I felt myself slowly building up frustration as the day passed. I know the reasons behind my less than pleasant mood.  

I can be a bit of a control freak/perfectionist/etc sometimes. I like to plan my days out and mark things off my list as the day progresses. Add special events to the calendar and I seem to make things harder than they need to be. My to-do list is a bit bigger than usual and me crossing things off that list just wasn't happening today. I've got so many things I want to get done before Thanksgiving and my husband returning. But life kept interrupting those plans today. I think the thing that frustrates me the most is that I couldn't go to the gym this morning. Gasp! Because we all know that one missed day at the gym will completely undo all of my success!

I know that isn't the case and every day can't be perfect. But it still doesn't stop those inner voices from speaking their piece. I still haven't learned how to go easy on myself on those less than perfect days. It doesn't help that I'm so close to being in the 150's.. that it's taking over my thoughts  (healthy, right?).  

I should just accept that I won't see that number this week and that doesn't mean I've done badly. Yet, easier said than done. The hardest part about losing weight isn't the eating and exercise.. it's changing your thinking process and behavior. It's repairing that broken relationship you have with yourself. Weight loss is as much an emotional journey as a physical one. 

And I know that my husband won't care at all if the house isn't perfectly clean when he gets back,  if the fridge is fully stocked with all of his favorites, or all of the small things I'll obsess over that he won't even notice. But these are the things I've been stressing over. Silly? Right? I think it's just me finding something to focus on instead of the all of the anticipation and nerves I have about him coming back. SO MUCH HAS CHANGED! Will he like all the changes? How will his return impact my progress? Or worse! Will he even notice how much I've lost? (This is about the time I tell my brain to shut up and clean something and prepare). 

But thanks to my sweet friends on MFP and their nice words, I've been pulling myself out of my funk. I decided to start thinking about positive things instead of stressing over the things I can't control. I've finally gotten good at drinking enough water during the day. My secret? I drink 2 cups when I first wake up before breakfast. Having those first two cups knocked out of the way first thing in the morning makes it easier to get the other cups in throughout the day. 

Another thing that helps me cheer up when I'm feeling lame about my progress is to look at my pics that I've taken. Even when I've been stuck at the same weight for a little while, I can look at my beginning pics and during pics and see that I'm making good changes. However slowly it may be. I may not be done but I'm not just starting out either. That makes me feel better. I decided to share my progress photos with you all. I'm wearing the same sports bra and shorts in both the before and during pics.  I took some new pics today so I can compare my progress when I finish up the Stronglifts 5X5 program. Hopefully I'll have better "during" pics for you in a couple of weeks. 

THANK YOU for letting me vent! I just needed to get my crazy ramblings out of my head and out there. I'm looking forward to tomorrow and a fresh start. Most of all, I'm just going to relax this evening and not do anything else (because I'll probably break something else if I touch it, lol). 

Weight for it....

*(That title was my best attempt at being cute and creative, lol.)*

Today I started the Stronglifts 5X5 program. I've seen it all over the place on MFP and have seen some people that have had great results with it. After doing some reading, researching,  and LOTS of thinking about, I decided I would go ahead and start it. I know that Thanksgiving week isn't the best week to start a new workout program, since my gym will be closed on both Thursday and Friday. But in the past, I've always done the "it's not a good time to start because of this and that, so I'll start next week." Well, new me doesn't make sorry excuses any more! I've decided that it's okay if I can't complete the first week right, I'm still getting started. (Who in the heck is this person?? Definitely not the same person my husband last saw months ago). 
Up to this point, I've just been winging it as far as the gym goes. I go in and just do what feels right. It's worked fairly well for me but there's only so much a system like that can do for you. I've had to constantly change it. When I first began, I started off doing as much cardio as possible (1 hour on the elliptical, 1 hour on the treadmill) just burning away those calories (800-1000 calories burned a day). Because that's how you lose weight, right?? That quickly burned me out. Then I read enough to know that having some sort of strength training is important, so I just began using whatever I found at the gym and mixing it with my favorite cardio at that time (and slowly reduced the amount of cardio I was doing). Then I kept fine tuning that approach. I split my workouts into 1/2 the time doing strength, and 1/2 the time running. Trying to create a routine of some sort. I reduced my time at the gym to just 1 hour a day/5 days a week. And that's where I've been up to now. Still winging it but with more organization. Not anymore!
It's time to create a game plan! I will still be keeping cardio in the mix. I've actually come to really enjoy it. When I get to running and complete 1 mile, 2 miles, or 3 miles.. I feel GREAT! My blood is pumping, my mood is better, and I feel accomplished! This was something I didn't think possible a few months ago. It has been my biggest confidence booster and I'm not giving it up. Though, I won't be over doing it anymore and it won't interfere with my lifting. I will have lift days and I will have cardio days. No more 1/2 and 1/2 days. On days when I lift, if I really feel like I must, I will run a mile max at a light speed. My cardio days will be another story! I have that traithlon I want to do with my SIL next year, so I will be pushing myself on cardio days. But I won't have to split my time up anymore. On lift days, I will lift! On cardio days, I won't have to split up my time to squeeze in some half-a$$ lifting. I can focus on just my cardio or just my lifting, depending on the day.
I'll be throwing in a mix of running, biking, and swimming as the year passes by for my cardio days, to train for the traithlon. But for now, with the nasty winter weather, I'll be focusing a bit more on running than the other two. 
The program is a 12 week program. I've decided I'm going to do the whole 12 weeks before I make up my mind about it. I have learned that I may change things too quickly. I don't give it time to really work it's magic. So, for the next 3 months, you will hear a lot about it most likely, and that's because I'm going to stick with it for the recommended time.  Hopefully this is the key to getting my mind to accept that the number on the scale is not the deciding factor in my health and awesomeness level.
Speaking of the number on the scale. That dreaded machine with mind control powers.
I'm hoping that all these new changes are the right thing for me. I'm so close to my goal but keep stalling. It's frustrating as anything to work so hard and not see the progress you think you should be seeing. I'm still working on finding that right daily calorie goal. I've been doing a lot of researching for BMR, TDEE, and any other initial you come across when working to lose weight. It's confusing trying to find the right number. I used this calculator to try and determine my TDEE. Then I cut 500 from it and that's what I've been using as my daily goal. I eat back exercise calories sometimes just to make sure I stay above the BMR number. I was advised to keep going like this for a month straight before I make anymore changes. It will give my body a chance to adjust to the changes. That way I can see if I'm truly maintaing, losing, or gaining and can change it from there as needed. So that's what I'm going to do. NOT EASY! No, no, no. Last week I only lost .4 pounds. It made me want to cut my calories immediately to see a bigger loss. But I'm going to give it this full month before I make anymore changes. Wish me luck!

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and the new recipes I will be trying. (Again.. who is this person?!?!)
I've come to REALLY enjoy cooking! It's almost a hobby now. I search and search for new recipes all the time. Or I find old recipes and change them up to be healthier. I cook throughout the day and freeze a lot of things to make quick and easy meals for another time.
I use to hate cooking. I'd try anything to not have to do it. (Wonder how I became obese??)
 I didn't like to cook, therefore I would buy and make those nasty pre-packaged meals. Well, since those were so nasty (it must have been my cooking, right?). Then I got to where I wanted fast food or take out all the time, because my cooking was so bad. And once you get that fast food craving, nothing you make tastes as good. It was a nasty spiral that just got worse and worse.
So when I decided it was time to get healthy and lose weight, my first thought was, "oh no! I have to cook! That means I'll be easting nasty forever!" Much to my surprise, when I started cooking healthier homemade, less-processed meals, they weren't so bad. (You mean by using fresh clean foods, things would taste better? Homemade tastes better than something out of a box?? Hmm..)
The more I began to experiment with foods and flavors, the more I enjoyed it. I learned new ways to use the machines in my house. For instance, did you know that a blender can be used for other things than making a milkshake?!?! And that a freezer can be used for other purposes than to freeze stoeffler meals and ice cream? Surprised the heck out of me too!
In fact, my Christmas wish list consists of new appliances and goodies for the kitchen. Things that will just improve my cooking experience. It will help in my food experiments. Like when I try a new dish a few different times and a few different ways before I decide if I like it or not. That vegetable you don't like steamed.... have you tried it grilled or broiled? May change your mind about it!
Well, those are my ramblings for the day. Hope you are all having a wonderful Monday! I can't stop smiling today because each hour that passes is one hour closer to seeing my man!

P.S.
Can someone tell me HOW to attach the MFP ticker to my blog that shows my weight loss progress????